What Are Values?
Chosen Directions · Values vs Goals · Values vs Rules · Why Values Matter Clinically
About This Course
This course was designed and written by Tyler Brodhead, LPC as a clinical curriculum integrating Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Self-Determination Theory, self-compassion research, Schwartz's theory of basic human values, moral injury research, DBT interpersonal effectiveness, differentiation theory, Gottman's relationship research, and implementation intentions research. The full References section is available in the Appendix.
Developed for use in individual and group therapy settings. Each module builds progressively — values clarity in Modules 1–2 feeds the mapping work in Module 3, which feeds the blueprint in Module 5, which is sustained through the compassion and repair work in Modules 6–10.
This course and its contents are the exclusive intellectual property of Tyler Brodhead, LPC and LifeLab™. Use is authorized solely by LifeLab™ or the author. Any reproduction, distribution, adaptation, or use by any other individual or organization is strictly prohibited.
Values as Chosen Life Directions
A value is not a goal, a feeling, or a rule. It is a chosen direction of living — a statement about what matters and how you want to move through the world. You can never fully “achieve” a value the way you achieve a goal. Being honest is not something you complete. It is something you enact, in varying degrees, across your entire life.
The distinction from rules is equally important. A rule says: “I must never appear weak.” A value says: “I want to be someone who engages authentically, even when that includes vulnerability.” The rule is externally calibrated. The value is internally anchored. When you violate a rule, shame follows. When you drift from a value, a pull toward realignment follows — not condemnation, but direction.
ACT research consistently demonstrates that values-based action is associated with greater psychological flexibility and substantially better mental health outcomes across clinical populations.
Classify These Statements
Click VALUE or RULE for each statement. Correct answers reveal with explanation.
I must always appear competent or people will lose respect for me.
I want to treat people with genuine honesty, even when it is uncomfortable.
I should never need help from other people.
I want to keep growing throughout my life, even when growth is difficult.
I must not show weakness or I will be a burden to others.
I care about being genuinely present with people I love, not just physically there.
I cannot fail at anything important or it means I am not good enough.
I want to take responsibility for my impact on others, even when it is hard.
Why Values Matter Clinically
Self-determination theory distinguishes between autonomous motivation — acting for internally endorsed reasons — and controlled motivation — acting to avoid punishment. The same behavior performed from autonomous vs controlled motivation produces different outcomes: greater persistence, greater wellbeing, and greater recovery from setbacks.
Values also function as a stabilizing anchor during emotional flooding. When the prefrontal cortex is offline, the question “What do I feel?” generates unreliable answers. The question “What do I value?” accesses a more stable layer of self-knowledge that survives the flooding.
Module 1 Takeaway
Values are not achievements to unlock, obligations to comply with, or feelings to follow. They are chosen directions — the internal compass you carry into every situation. The same behavior enacted from a value versus a rule produces a completely different internal experience and long-term outcome.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 2 Reflected values moments in your Values app this week — moments you noticed a value at play. · auto-tracked
- If you don't have values added yet, use Module 2's Values Builder and push them to your app.
- You don't have to know your values yet. You just have to start noticing what feels right and what doesn't.
Discovering Your Values
Four Pathways · Peak Experience · Inverse of Shame · Eulogy Test · Moral Anger · Word Bank · Synthesis
Why Four Methods Instead of One
Asking “what are your values?” directly often produces an aspirational list that may not reflect what actually organizes behavior. The four methods below approach values from different directions: joy (peak experience), suppressed caring (inverse of shame), legacy (eulogy test), and moral architecture (moral anger). Values that appear across multiple methods are typically the most genuine and durable.
Work through each step honestly. The goal is not to produce an impressive list — it is to produce an accurate one.
When did you feel most fully yourself — most alive, most genuine, most proud of who you were being? Describe that moment in 2–3 sentences. What qualities were present in you at that time?
Those qualities — courage, presence, creativity, honesty — are usually direct expressions of core values.
What do you feel chronically ashamed about — things you suppress or hide? List 2–3. The inverse of chronic shame is often a suppressed value. “I’m ashamed of needing people” → connection is probably a genuine value shamed into hiding.
Someone who knew you deeply is giving your eulogy. What do you most want them to say about the kind of person you were? Not your achievements — your qualities, your character, how you made people feel.
What genuinely morally offends you when you witness it in the world? Not annoyance — genuine moral outrage. Each points directly at a value being violated. The inverse of what offends you is what you stand for.
Select values that resonate with what you wrote above. Aim for 5–8.
What values appear repeatedly across your four steps and word bank selections? Write your 3–5 core values, then write one sentence describing how they guide who you want to be.
On This Process
Values discovered here are not final or fixed — they are a starting point to be tested through action and refined through experience. Most people find that 3–5 values appear across multiple methods. Those are worth trusting. Values that appear in only one method may still be genuine — or they may be aspirational. Time and attention will tell the difference.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Use the Values Builder in this module and push your top 5 values to your Values app. · auto-tracked
- Log 5 values moments this week (Tested, Lived, or Reflected) — touching any of your new values.
- The values you pick today are a draft. They will refine over the course. That's the work.
Your Values Map
Eight Life Domains · Importance vs Living · The Values Gap · Where to Focus
Values Exist Across Life Domains
Values do not operate uniformly across every area of life. You may be living one value deeply in your work while it is almost absent from your closest relationships. The domain map reveals not just what you value, but where the gap exists between what matters and how you are actually living.
For each domain, rate two things: how important this domain is to you (yellow slider), and how well you are currently living your values within it (blue slider). The gap between the two is the most clinically significant number — not cause for shame, but information about where to focus.
Rate Each Domain
On Values Conflicts
Values conflicts — situations in which two genuine values pull in opposite directions — are normal and do not indicate confusion. You can genuinely value both loyalty and honesty and face a situation where they point to different actions. The resolution is to make a conscious, deliberate choice about which takes priority in this context — and to own that choice.
ACT calls this valued living rather than perfect living. The goal is to act with awareness, making explicit choices about which values are guiding each important decision, rather than defaulting to habit, fear, or external pressure.
What Your Map Reveals
The domain with the largest gap between importance and current living is where values work is most needed. That gap is where new committed actions, however small, will produce the most movement.
Push your Map ratings into the Life Lab patient app so you can revisit and update over time.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Use the Values Map exercise in this module and push your map to your Values app. · auto-tracked
- Once during the week, open the Map tab in your Values app and adjust any ratings that have shifted.
- The largest gap is where to focus. One small action toward closing it is enough.
Values Under Pressure
When the Compass Is Tested · Clean vs Dirty Pain · Committed Action · Four Scenarios
The Moment Values Matter Most
Values are relatively easy to articulate in calm moments. The clinical question is whether they remain accessible under pressure — when emotion is flooding, when someone is pushing back, when acting on a value is costly or frightening. This is the moment that determines whether your values are genuinely yours or aspirational statements that collapse when tested.
ACT describes this as the difference between clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain is the unavoidable discomfort of acting in accordance with a genuine value when that action is difficult. Dirty pain is the suffering generated by avoidance, rule-following from fear, and acting against your own values. Clean pain is directional. It points toward something that matters.
The four scenarios below present situations where emotion and values are in tension. Select the response that feels most values-aligned and see why.
Scenario Practice
“Your partner makes a dismissive comment about something you care about deeply — in front of other people.”
“Your manager asks you to present data in a way you know is selectively misleading to the client.”
“A close friend has become distant and not returned your messages for three weeks.”
“You realize you have not exercised or slept well in two weeks. You value health but have completely dropped it.”
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 3 Tested values moments in your Values app — situations where acting on a value cost you something. · auto-tracked
- For each, write what you chose and what it cost. The cost is real. Naming it doesn't undermine the choice.
- Values feel different from rules under pressure. Notice which feeling is showing up.
Limits — Where Values Need Protection
Values are clarified above. Limits are how you protect them. A limit names a thing you say no to, or treatment you don't accept. Browse the word bank below and pick the limit areas that resonate with what is currently leaking energy or harming you.
Your Values Blueprint
Personal Values Statement · Three Commitments · Values as Practice · The Living Document
Synthesis: Bringing It Together
You have identified values through four different methods, mapped them across life domains, and tested them under pressure. The blueprint is the integration point: a concise, honest account of what you value, where the gaps are, and what you are committing to do about them.
A values blueprint is not a motivational statement. It is specific enough that at any point in a difficult moment you could pull it out and ask: “Does this choice align with this?”
Personal Values Statement
Write your personal values statement in 3–5 sentences. Name your core values explicitly. Describe what living by them looks like in practice.
For each of your top three values, one specific, observable action you will take in the next seven days — concrete enough that you will know whether you did it or not.
Commitment 1
Commitment 2
Commitment 3
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 3 Lived values moments — concrete actions you took this week that came from your values. · auto-tracked
- Pick one value and one daily 'committed action' to ladder to it. Small. Sustainable. Repeatable.
- Your blueprint is a working document. You'll edit it. That's normal.
Values and Self-Compassion
The Inner Critic Trap · Three Pillars · Self-Compassion as Fuel · The Compassionate Return
The Self-Compassion Problem in Values Work
One of the most common barriers to sustained values-based living is not a lack of clarity about values. It is the shame response that follows every gap between values and behavior. You know what matters, you fail to act on it, and the inner critic interprets that gap as evidence of personal deficiency rather than as normal human variability.
Neff's research (2023, Annual Review of Psychology) demonstrates that self-compassion is not self-indulgence. Self-compassion involves three components: self-kindness (treating yourself as you would a close friend), common humanity (recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience), and mindfulness (holding difficult feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them).
The 2025 systematic review by Wang and colleagues found that self-compassion reduces psychological distress primarily through two mechanisms: decreasing repetitive negative thinking (rumination) and decreasing experiential avoidance. Both of these are precisely the processes that derail values-based action.
Self-Compassion as Fuel for Values, Not Excuse for Inaction
A common misunderstanding: self-compassion means lowering your standards or giving yourself permission to not act on values. The research consistently shows the opposite. Self-compassionate people are more likely to take corrective action after a failure, not less. They are more willing to confront uncomfortable truths about themselves because the confrontation does not carry the threat of annihilation.
Breines and Chen (2012) demonstrated experimentally that participants who adopted a self-compassionate stance after a personal failure were more motivated to improve and studied more for a subsequent test than those who received self-esteem boosting or no intervention. Self-compassion frees up the cognitive and emotional resources that shame was consuming, making them available for values-directed action.
Write a Letter from Your Inner Ally
Think of a recent moment where you drifted from a value you care about. Write a brief letter to yourself from the perspective of a wise, caring friend who knows your values and knows you are human. Use all three pillars: acknowledge the pain with kindness, normalize the struggle, and name one realistic step back toward the value.
This exercise is adapted from Neff's self-compassion writing intervention protocol. Research shows that even brief compassionate writing can reduce shame and increase motivation to realign with values.
Module 6 Takeaway
Self-compassion is not the opposite of accountability. It is what makes accountability sustainable. The question after a values drift is not "What is wrong with me?" but "What happened, and how do I return?" Shame produces paralysis. Compassion produces movement.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 3 Reflected moments this week where you noticed self-criticism around a values miss. · auto-tracked
- For each, write what self-compassion would have sounded like in that moment.
- Self-compassion isn't letting yourself off the hook. It's the only thing that keeps you on the path long term.
Values Conflicts
When Values Collide · Forced Choices · Moral Injury · Value Congruence · Hierarchy Under Pressure
Values Conflicts Are Normal, Not Pathological
One of the most important and least discussed aspects of values-based living: genuine values regularly conflict with each other. Honesty and kindness can point in opposite directions. Self-care and caregiving can collide. Loyalty and integrity can demand different actions in the same situation. This is not a sign of confusion. It is a sign of a complex, fully developed moral life.
Schwartz's theory of basic human values demonstrates that values naturally organize into opposing dimensions. Self-transcendence (benevolence, universalism) opposes self-enhancement (achievement, power). Openness to change opposes conservation. These tensions are structural, built into the architecture of human valuing, not personal failures.
The clinical task is not to eliminate values conflicts but to develop the capacity to make conscious, deliberate choices about which value takes priority in a specific context, to own that choice, and to grieve the value that was set aside without pretending it does not exist.
Moral Injury: When Institutions Force Values Violations
Moral injury occurs when a person is required to act against their deeply held values by institutional, systemic, or circumstantial pressure. A nurse required to discharge a patient too early. A teacher forced to implement a policy they believe harms students. A worker asked to present misleading data. The damage is not ordinary stress. It is a wound to the person's moral architecture.
Veage et al. (2014) demonstrated that congruence between personal values and workplace values predicted both wellbeing and reduced burnout in mental health practitioners. When the gap between personal values and institutional demands becomes chronic, the result is not just dissatisfaction. It is moral erosion.
Your Values Under Pressure
Drag these values into the order of priority you would give them when they are in direct conflict with each other. There is no right answer. The purpose is to make your implicit hierarchy explicit. Notice what is hardest to place lower.
Reflection: Which placement caused the most internal resistance? That tension is where your most important values work lives.
Module 7 Takeaway
Values conflicts are evidence of moral complexity, not moral failure. The capacity to sit with two genuine values pulling in opposite directions, choose deliberately, and grieve the cost of the choice is one of the highest forms of psychological maturity.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 3 Reflected moments where two of your values pulled in different directions. · auto-tracked
- Write what you chose, and why this value won here. There's no wrong answer.
- Conflicts are not confusion. They're a sign your values are real enough to matter.
Values Drift and Course Correction
Why We Drift · The Five Stages · Experiential Avoidance · The Audit · Pattern Recognition
Why Drift Happens to Everyone
Values drift is not a moral failure. It is a predictable consequence of how the brain allocates attention. When life becomes demanding, complex, or simply routine, the prefrontal processes that maintain values-awareness get deprioritized in favor of efficiency. Habit, convenience, and social pressure fill the vacuum.
The 2024 meta-analysis by Ong and colleagues (151 studies, N > 50,000) found that psychological inflexibility (the tendency to rigidly avoid difficult inner experiences) showed a strong inverse relationship with wellbeing (r = -.47). Experiential avoidance is the primary engine of drift: the short-term relief of avoiding a difficult values-consistent action gradually becomes the default mode of operating.
Wilson and DuFrene (2009) describe this as the difference between knowing your values and contacting them. You can know you value connection while spending every evening on your phone. Contact requires deliberate, repeated recommitment.
Where Have You Drifted?
For each life domain, rate how much drift you have experienced in the past month. Click a stage (1-5) for each domain. 1 = fully aligned, 5 = significantly lost.
Course Correction Is the Skill, Not Perfection
The drift-and-return cycle is not a failure of the system. It is the system. Linehan (1993) called this consistent imperfection. The measure of values-based living is not the absence of drift. It is the speed and willingness of the return. Each audit you conduct, each moment you notice the gap, is an act of course correction. That noticing is itself a values-aligned behavior.
Module 8 Takeaway
You will drift. That is not the question. The question is: how quickly do you notice, and what do you do when you do? Building drift-detection into your routine, rather than relying on crisis to wake you up, is the difference between reactive and intentional living.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Re-open your Values Map this week and update at least one domain rating that's shifted. · auto-tracked
- Look for values drift: places where your living-it score has slid without you noticing.
- Drift is normal. Correction is the practice. Neither is a failure.
Values in Relationships
Shared Meaning · Values Conversations · Differentiation · Boundaries as Values Expressions
Values Are Relational, Not Just Individual
Values do not exist in isolation. They are enacted in relationships, and relationships create the conditions where values are most tested. Gottman's research on lasting relationships demonstrates that couples who build systems of shared meaning, including shared values, rituals, and goals, have significantly more resilient partnerships than those who share only logistics.
But shared values are not the same as identical values. Differentiation of self is the capacity to maintain your own values and identity while remaining emotionally connected to others. Low differentiation means you either fuse with others' values (losing yourself) or cut off emotionally to preserve your values (losing connection). High differentiation means holding both.
The clinical research on interpersonal effectiveness in DBT maps directly onto this: DEAR MAN for objectives, GIVE for relationships, FAST for self-respect. Each set of skills serves a different relational value simultaneously.
Prepare a Values Conversation
Think of a relationship where your values feel misaligned or unspoken. Use this framework to prepare for a direct conversation. This is not about winning. It is about making the implicit explicit.
Module 9 Takeaway
Your values exist in relationship to other people's values. The goal is not to eliminate all differences. It is to develop the relational skill of holding your own values with clarity while making genuine space for others' values, and negotiating the overlap with honesty.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 3 Held limits moments — situations where you protected a limit in a relationship this week. · auto-tracked
- If you don't have limits added, use the Limits Builder in Module 4 of the DBT course and push them.
- Protecting a limit in a relationship that matters is one of the highest-leverage things you can do.
Sustainable Values Practice
Implementation Intentions · The Weekly Review · Values Flexibility · The Long View
From Insight to Routine: Implementation Intentions
Knowing your values is necessary but insufficient. The research on implementation intentions demonstrates that specifying the when, where, and how of an intended action roughly doubles the probability of follow-through compared to good intentions alone.
The format is: "When [situation], I will [values-aligned action]." This works because it transfers the decision from the deliberative system (which is slow, effortful, and vulnerable to fatigue) to the cue-response system (which is fast and automatic). You are essentially pre-loading your values into specific contexts so they activate without requiring willpower in the moment.
This is not mechanical habit-building. It is the deliberate construction of a life structure that makes values-based action the default rather than the exception.
Values Flexibility: When Values Themselves Need Updating
A subtle but important advanced concept: values can ossify. A value that was genuinely chosen at 22 may be operating as an unexamined rule at 40. Hayes and colleagues (2012) distinguish between values that are freely chosen and those that are pliance-based (adopted to gain approval or avoid punishment). The same value can shift from one category to the other over time without your noticing.
The test: Does this value still produce vitality when you act on it? Or does it produce a joyless sense of obligation? If the latter, the value may need to be re-examined, not as a failure of commitment, but as an act of continued honesty about who you are becoming.
Design Your 15-Minute Weekly Review
Implementation intention: set the exact when and where. Then for each of the four review steps, write what you will actually do. Be specific enough that you could do this on autopilot.
Course Takeaway
You now have the full architecture: clarity about what you value, methods to discover and test those values, tools for navigating conflicts and drift, a practice of self-compassion for when you fall short, frameworks for living values in relationships, and a sustainable weekly structure. The rest is practice. Not perfect practice. Consistent, imperfect, honest practice. That is enough.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 5 Lived values moments this week. By now, this should feel familiar. · auto-tracked
- Re-read your Values Map and Blueprint. Adjust where reality has changed your understanding.
- Sustainable practice means small, regular, and honest. Not perfect. Not constant. Real.
Limits as Values in Action
Limits vs Boundaries · Limits vs Rules · The Internal Locus · Why Limits Fail
A Limit is the Operational Form of a Value
Through Modules 1–10, you have been naming values — abstractions that describe what direction matters. A limit is the specific line you draw to protect a value from the daily pressures that would otherwise erode it. "I value rest" is the value. "I am not answering work email after 9pm" is the limit. The first orients you. The second protects the first.
Cloud and Townsend (1992; updated 2017) described limits as property lines of the soul: they define what is yours to protect, what is yours to be responsible for, and what is not yours to carry. Without limits, every value remains negotiable under pressure, and every "yes" carries hidden cost. The Linehan DBT framework uses the term limits rather than boundaries deliberately — limits describe what you will and will not accept, not what someone else must do.
The next four modules build the operational layer: how to name limits clearly, how to anchor them to specific values, how to hold them when tested, and how to repair after a crossing without collapsing the whole system.
Limits Are Not Rules
Rules come from outside — parents, religion, profession, social pressure — and are enforced by guilt or external consequence. Limits come from inside, anchored to a value you have already named, and are enforced because the value is real to you. The same behavior can be a rule or a limit depending on the locus.
| Rule (external) | Limit (values-based) |
|---|---|
| "I should not snap at my kids." | "When I notice my fuse getting short, I take 10 minutes alone — because I value being patient with my kids." |
| "I have to say yes when asked." | "I do not commit on the spot. I take 24 hours — because I value honoring what I sign up for." |
| "I should not check email past 8pm." | "My phone charges in the kitchen at 8pm — because I value presence with my partner." |
The Three Failure Modes
- The limit was never named. You hoped you would "just know" when to stop. Without an explicit line, every situation becomes a fresh negotiation, and you almost always under-protect.
- The limit was a rule, not a value. You set it because someone else thought you should. Under pressure, it collapses because no genuine value is on the line.
- The limit had no plan for the crossing point. You knew where the line was but had no specific implementation. In the moment of pressure, the path of least resistance won.
Module 13 addresses #1 and #2 (naming and anchoring). Module 14 addresses #3 (implementation).
Module 11 Takeaway
Limits are not restrictions imposed on you. They are concrete lines you draw to protect what you have already said you value. Limits without an anchoring value are rules — and rules collapse under pressure. Every limit you build in the next modules should point back at a value from Modules 1–10.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 2 Reflected limits moments — situations you noticed where a limit was tested but you did not act yet. · auto-tracked
- Noticing is the work. Action comes in Modules 13 and 14.
The Three Limit Styles & What Holds You Back
Porous · Rigid · Flexible · Resentment Inventory · Fear Mapping
Three Limit Styles
| Style | Pattern | Cost |
|---|---|---|
| Porous | Saying yes when you mean no. Over-sharing. Taking on others' emotions or problems as your own. | Chronic resentment. Burnout. Loss of self. |
| Rigid | Walls instead of fences. Cutting off rather than negotiating. "Nobody gets close." | Loneliness. Missed connection. Stuck identity. |
| Flexible | A fence with a gate. Specific to context. Calibrated to trust level. Held with care, not punishment. | Real connection. Sustainable relationships. |
Most people aren't one style across the board. Porous with family, rigid at work. Rigid with strangers, porous in romantic relationships. The clinical question is where the mismatch is costing you.
Think of situations where you said yes but felt resentful afterward, stayed in something that repeatedly harmed you, or carried someone else's problem as your own. List 2–3. Resentment after yes is almost always a signal that a limit was crossed — usually by yourself.
What do you fear will happen if you set a limit with someone important? Be specific — abandonment, retaliation, being seen as selfish, conflict, losing the relationship. These fears are usually the direct reason limits feel impossible, not skill gaps.
Module 12 Takeaway
Limit style is not personality — it is pattern, and pattern is changeable. Resentment names where a limit is missing. Fear names what is keeping the limit unset. Both are data, not character flaws. In Module 13, you will name the specific limits these patterns point to and push them to your app.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 3 Reflected limits moments this week — notice each time you feel resentment or fear around a limit. · auto-tracked
- Write one sentence with each moment naming the value at stake.
Building & Pushing Your Limits
The Three-Part Limit · The Word Bank · Push to the Patient App
The Three-Part Limit
A limit that holds under pressure has three components. Skip any one and the limit collapses the first time it is tested.
- The Line. Specific, observable, behavioral. Not "I will be healthier" but "I will not eat after 9pm." Vague limits are wishes.
- The Value. Which named value (from Modules 1–10) does this line protect? If you cannot name the value, the line is a rule, not a limit.
- The Plan. What is the specific implementation? "I will not answer work email after 9pm" is the line. "Phone charges in the kitchen at 9pm; my work app is moved off the home screen" is the plan.
Build 1–4 limits, then push to the patient app
Use the three-part frame for each. Then click Push to Patient App to generate a QR — the patient scans on their phone, the limits appear in the Limits tab of their Values screen. Existing limits with the same name are skipped, never overwritten.
Module 13 Takeaway
A limit that you can write down in three parts — line, value, plan — has a chance of surviving real-world pressure. A limit without all three parts is a hope. Pushing them to the app gives the patient a place to log when each one is held, crossed, or reflected on — data that comes straight back to your clinician dashboard.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Hold 3 of your new limits this week — log each Held moment in the app. · auto-tracked
- If a limit is crossed, log it as Crossed and write what made it hard. Crossings are data, not failures.
Holding Limits Under Pressure
Implementation Intentions · The Cost Side · Cognitive Load & Why Plans Beat Willpower
The Implementation Intention
Gollwitzer's research on implementation intentions (1999, replicated through 2014) showed that pre-specifying the situation and the action — in the form "IF [situation] THEN [behavior]" — roughly doubles or triples follow-through compared to general intentions alone. The effect is largest exactly when it matters most: under cognitive load, time pressure, and emotional intensity.
For limits, this matters because the moment of pressure is when cognitive resources are lowest. You will not be thinking clearly. You will reach for the easiest action available. The IF–THEN plan makes the values-aligned action the easiest one because it was pre-decided.
The specificity of the trigger matters more than the elegance of the response. "If I feel tired" is too vague. "If it is 9pm and I have not put my phone in the kitchen" is concrete enough to fire reliably.
Write IF–THEN plans for your hardest limits
For each limit, name the specific situation that tests it (IF) and the specific action you will take (THEN). Concrete language beats elegant phrasing.
Module 14 Takeaway
Limits hold under pressure when the situation and the response have both been pre-specified. The work of holding limits is not heroic willpower in the moment — it is honest planning in advance.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- Log 5 Held limits moments this week using your IF–THEN plans. · auto-tracked
- Any crossings: log as Crossed and add the IF–THEN revision in the moment's note.
Repair After a Cross
Crossings as Data · The Repair Pattern · The Collapse Pattern · Sustainable Limit Practice
Limits Get Crossed. The Question Is What Happens Next.
Every limit you set will be crossed at some point — by you, by someone else, or by circumstance. Treating a crossing as a catastrophic failure is itself the bigger problem. There are two patterns clinicians see consistently:
- The Repair Pattern. Notice the crossing. Name the value that got eroded. Make one specific change to the plan that would have prevented it. Move on. The limit grows stronger because it now has data behind it.
- The Collapse Pattern. Notice the crossing. Feel shame. Tell yourself you are a hypocrite who can't hold any limit. Stop tracking. The limit dies, and the surrounding limits weaken because the system loses credibility with itself.
The Crossed Log Is Designed for Repair
In the patient app's Limits tab, you can log moments as Held, Crossed, or Reflected. Logging a Crossed moment is not an admission of failure — it is the first move of repair. The clinician sees the crossing alongside the Held moments and the IF–THEN context, and the work in session becomes specific: what changed, what surprised you, what one adjustment would have shifted the outcome.
Limits that have been crossed and repaired are sturdier than limits that have never been tested. The crossing exposes the failure mode; the repair closes it. The pattern of held → crossed → repaired → held again is the actual shape of a working limit over time.
Write a repair plan for a limit that has been crossed
Think of a limit you set in Module 13 or 14 that has already been crossed (or that you anticipate being crossed). Write the repair script you will use the next time this happens.
Module 15 Takeaway
The shape of a working limit is not unbroken success. It is: held most of the time, crossed sometimes, repaired honestly, and held again. Logging crossings is not weakness — it is the practice that makes the system durable. Shame collapses limits; data builds them.
Weekly Homework · push to your patient app
- If any limit gets crossed: log it as Crossed and write the repair adjustment in the note. · auto-tracked
- Log at least 3 Reflected moments tied to limits this week — moments you noticed the limit without acting yet.
Tools & References
Full citation list for the research underlying this course
Core Frameworks
- Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Wilson, K. G., & DuFrene, T. (2009). Mindfulness for two: An acceptance and commitment therapy approach to mindfulness in psychotherapy. New Harbinger.
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Values Theory & Measurement
- Schwartz, S. H., Cieciuch, J., Vecchione, M., Davidov, E., Fischer, R., Beierlein, C., Ramos, A., Verkasalo, M., Lönnqvist, J.-E., Demirutku, K., Dirilen-Gumus, O., & Konty, M. (2012). Refining the theory of basic individual values. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(4), 663–688.
Self-Compassion Research
- Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218.
- Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143.
- Wang, Y., Fan, L., Zhu, Y., Yang, J., Wang, C., Gu, L., Zhong, S., Huang, Y., Xie, X., Zhou, H., Luo, S., & Wu, X. (2025). Meta-analytic evidence that mindfulness-based and self-compassion-based interventions reduce psychological distress through decreased repetitive negative thinking and experiential avoidance. Mindfulness.
Moral Injury & Values Congruence
- Litz, B. T., Stein, N., Delaney, E., Lebowitz, L., Nash, W. P., Silva, C., & Maguen, S. (2009). Moral injury and moral repair in war veterans: A preliminary model and intervention strategy. Clinical Psychology Review, 29(8), 695–706.
- Shay, J. (2014). Moral injury. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 31(2), 182–191.
- Veage, S., Ciarrochi, J., Deane, F. P., Andresen, R., Oades, L. G., & Crowe, T. P. (2014). Value congruence, importance and success and in the workplace: Links with well-being and burnout amongst mental health practitioners. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 3(4), 258–264.
Relationships & Differentiation
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (rev. ed.). Harmony Books.
- Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
- Skowron, E. A., & Friedlander, M. L. (2003). The Differentiation of Self Inventory: Development and initial validation. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 50(2), 209–222.
Implementation & Behavior Change
- Gollwitzer, P. M. (1999). Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493–503.
- Gollwitzer, P. M., & Sheeran, P. (2006). Implementation intentions and goal achievement: A meta-analysis of effects and processes. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 69–119.
For Clinicians
This curriculum is designed for use in individual psychotherapy and structured values-based group work. It integrates ACT as its primary framework with DBT interpersonal effectiveness, self-compassion training, and differentiation theory. The exercises are designed to produce durable written artifacts — a values statement, a weekly review structure, a commitments document — that the patient keeps and returns to between sessions.
For full ACT training, clinicians can pursue certification through the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (contextualscience.org). Self-compassion training resources are available through Kristin Neff's Center for Mindful Self-Compassion (centerformsc.org).